Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Living in Twilight

I feel like that's how I've been for the last week or so. It's been a crazy few weeks. In no particular order, I finished up on my medicine rotation, cried for the first time in internship, has my first weekend off in forever, and managed to squeeze in two (albeit unsuccessful) dates. Sometimes, when I spend a lot of time at the hospital and the rest of my time in my tiny studio apartment by myself, I feel very holed off from the rest of the world. Albeit, I do read the New York Times online more often than once a day, but I feel like my whole world is this parallel universe to what the rest of the world is living. Sometimes I even find myself using language that implies as much - calling non-hospital life the "real world," as though my hospital life is not part of any world most people know.

I guess that this is all a part of residency, this feeling of isolation and feeling like you're fighting a current of trying to get as much learning in as possible without sacrificing your personal sanity. The first few months actually went by smoothly - I was adjusting, I was getting praise and constructive criticism, and felt as though I was really going somewhere. Now, in my fifth month, I feel like I'm stalling. I'm haunted by the feelings of inadequacy that every intern encounters (Am I good enough? What do my attendings and senior residents really think about me? Will I ever be good enough? How will I manage as a real doctor?), feelings like my real life is being neglected (Will I ever find a good base of friends here in the south bay? Will I ever find a steady date? Will I ever get to my crafting/gardening/reading project?), and feeling purely exhausted and drained.

I hope that this post isn't coming off as depressing, but just more serious than most. I'm not depressed at all - actually, I delivered my first baby in two months last night and it felt great. I just feel that this is a time of reflection for me, as I am almost halfway through my intern year. Also, I can't wait for my first vacation (just bought my plane ticket yesterday!) and the ability to sleep in for more than one day in a row and the freedom to take a few calm, deep breaths.

The inspiration for the title is the song currently playing on my computer, Living in Twilight by The Weepies.

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