Time sucker

This whole internet thing is just a big black hole for all my free time. I woke up at 1pm (don't worry, I got to bed at 10am - I didn't get to sleep 12+ hours!) just to be able to do work. But all I have managed in those two hours is checking facebook, the New York Times, my email repeatedly, and getting a recipe that I will try for dinner.

Living in Twilight

I feel like that's how I've been for the last week or so. It's been a crazy few weeks. In no particular order, I finished up on my medicine rotation, cried for the first time in internship, has my first weekend off in forever, and managed to squeeze in two (albeit unsuccessful) dates. Sometimes, when I spend a lot of time at the hospital and the rest of my time in my tiny studio apartment by myself, I feel very holed off from the rest of the world. Albeit, I do read the New York Times online more often than once a day, but I feel like my whole world is this parallel universe to what the rest of the world is living. Sometimes I even find myself using language that implies as much - calling non-hospital life the "real world," as though my hospital life is not part of any world most people know.

I guess that this is all a part of residency, this feeling of isolation and feeling like you're fighting a current of trying to get as much learning in as possible without sacrificing your personal sanity. The first few months actually went by smoothly - I was adjusting, I was getting praise and constructive criticism, and felt as though I was really going somewhere. Now, in my fifth month, I feel like I'm stalling. I'm haunted by the feelings of inadequacy that every intern encounters (Am I good enough? What do my attendings and senior residents really think about me? Will I ever be good enough? How will I manage as a real doctor?), feelings like my real life is being neglected (Will I ever find a good base of friends here in the south bay? Will I ever find a steady date? Will I ever get to my crafting/gardening/reading project?), and feeling purely exhausted and drained.

I hope that this post isn't coming off as depressing, but just more serious than most. I'm not depressed at all - actually, I delivered my first baby in two months last night and it felt great. I just feel that this is a time of reflection for me, as I am almost halfway through my intern year. Also, I can't wait for my first vacation (just bought my plane ticket yesterday!) and the ability to sleep in for more than one day in a row and the freedom to take a few calm, deep breaths.

The inspiration for the title is the song currently playing on my computer, Living in Twilight by The Weepies.

MIA

I have been held hostage by something called "ward medicine" for the last few weeks. That has left me with very little time to sleep, eat, do work, and otherwise have a normal life. I am perpetually sleepy, perpetually grumpy, perpetually tired, and perpetually feeling behind. Hence, I haven't been updating. I haven't even been cooking (gasp!). I did manage to throw together Ma Po tofu (silky tofu with ground turkey) the other day in 10 minutes - but was too tired to take pictures. I will give the recipe one day, as it's a great one and really easy and quick to make.

5 more days to go, then back to a more "normal" schedule of 6am-6pm with overnight call 1-2 times a week. Yeah, normal. It's amazing what intern year does to your perception of things.

Polypharmacy

I have a patient who is under the age of 40 and is on 16 medicines. Yes, 16. And some she takes more than once a day. Who really can keep track of 16 medicines? Of course, the reason why she takes so many medicines was completely preventable if she took the 2 or 3 she had to take years ago. And, of course, she doesn't take all of her medicines, which brings her under my care.

There has to be a better way of doing things.

Ergh

This week has not been a fun week at all. And to top it all off, I'm sitting in my apartment, about to throw my Palm (not my hand, my PDA) against the wall. It just pooped out the other day, and I turned it back on and lo and behold - all was lost. Now, I can't even sync it to my computer to restore everything. It's driving my positively insane. Now I want to open my palm (now my real palm, not the PDA) and hit smash the Palm (PDA, not hand) against the wall.

What did you say?

Isn't there a saying that "A watched syringe won't melt"? Because that's what I'm doing - watching a frozen med syringe defrost in front of my eyes before I can give it to the patient. This is what I trained 4 years for, right?

All in a night's work

Last night had to be the most challenging for me since the beginning of this wonderful journey otherwise known as intern year. All in one night, I...

... sat by a patient's bedside for nearly an hour as I drained nearly 4 liters of fluid out of his belly. In that time, I got used to his smell (he was homeless and probably hadn't seen a shower in a good amount of time), and got to know his story (a Vietnam veteran who has been homeless for almost 30 years).

... had the same patient nearly give me a heart attack when he starts getting all seriously sick on me. Seriously. And this happened in my 27th hour on call. Yeah, 27th hour. Yeah, like I'm thinking properly at that point.

... seen and smelled the worst smell ever and something that no one should ever smell, or, worse, smell like. I guess that's one of the things that can happen to you when you're 400+ pounds.

... realize that a Spanish-speaking patient doesn't not understand me - rather she just refused to answer any question directly. Me: "Do you have pain?" Her, about a minute later, "Oh, I think I have pain on my hand, and phlegm in my throat. Can the phlegm cause a heart attack?" Not kidding you.

So yeah, not a pleasant night. Now, I'm awake and I don't know if it's better to just stay awake or to actually go to bed. And what day of the week is it? It's a question I ask almost all my patients (you'd be amazed at how many get it wrong), yet sometimes I have to reconsider and think to myself. Yeah, it's a Saturday, a "leisurely" day for most of the population - unfortunately a population to which I do not belong.

Ending the suffering

I don't know whether it's me or the patients suffering more (yeah, yeah, I know the patients are suffering more, but let me whine). I just want to sleep, but I have to keep on truckin'. Let's just say that I'm hating internship at this moment in time. Check on me in a few hours.

And now this...

I was talking to a friend the other day about the state of politics in this country nowadays. Of course, my knowledge is limited and a lot of what I say may be nothing at all. However, I'll tell it to you anyways.

I told her that I think politics has always been divisive, with Democrats on one side and Republicans on the other. Politicians have never really gotten along well if they're on opposite sides of the aisle, and sometimes don't get along well even if they are on the same side of the aisle. However, what I think has changed in recent years is that it's no longer the politicians who are divisive, but cities, neighborhoods, and even homes. My friend is voting for Obama but her husband is voting for McCain and she realizes that this is sometimes a point of contention in their house, as it is in many thousands of others across the nation. I don't know if the divisiveness will end with the election, instead, I think that it will just continue to grow until something changes. One side will always be unhappy and the other side will always gloat in their victory, at least until the newly-elected president makes a mistake, which is bound to happen.

This all came to me when I was reading this article, which was just so profoundly disturbing. They're calling Senator Obama personal names and insults, as though they were bullies on the playground pushing the new kid in school around. Worse yet, they're throwing thinly veiled threats at Obama. I give the McCain campaign credit for trying to subdue their crowds, but I can see how it's hard given the crowd mentality that can build up to seem like a witch hunt at times. It's just so unbelievable to me that the attacks on both sides are getting personal. Maybe McCain is to blame a little because he is running negative attack ads (though so is Obama), but I don't think the blame can be placed squarely on either of the campaigns. I don't think the blame can be placed on anyone, except maybe the obvious.

A nonsensical policy

When did family planning become a bad word? When I was little, we used to drive past this building with the words, "Planned Parenthood" on it. I didn't know what it was nor did I know the controversy surrounding such clinics. However, the words struck me. "How great is that? People can plan on when they want to become parents!" This was when I was in elementary school. Now that I am older, I still think the same. How great is is that people can control their own reproductive choices?

This post is about family planning. I had a friend call me the other day and we discussed family planning. She is pro-life, I think, and asked me, somewhat rhetorically, "Why wouldn't any pro-lifer support family planning?" She went on to argue (and I'm paraphrasing here) that anyone who is pro-life should be for any prevention in unwanted pregnancies, including comprehensive sex education and teaching and enabling people to use birth control. So, this in light of a recent op-ed in the New York Times highlighting President Bush's "pro-life" choice to cut off birth control funding to many international organizations, got me raging. Seriously, doesn't he get it? Not giving people condoms doesn't stop them from having sex. Giving them condoms simply gives them a way to protect themself from infection and unwanted pregnancy when they do have sex. I mean, if the President decided not to fund any programs that provided sex education or birth control in the United States, people would be outraged - wait, he already did and people are outraged. I guess we can give President Bush brownie points for being consistent.

Meanwhile, a "young woman lies in a hut, bleeding to death or swollen by infection, as untrained midwives offer her water or herbs. Her husband and children wait anxiously outside the hut, their faces frozen and perspiring as her groans weaken." [Quoted from Kristof, "Can This Be Pro-Life?"]